NEW YORK – In the wake of his controversial statements on a divine motive behind the earthquake in Haiti, famous televangeslit Pat Robertson has shifted his focus to Stanford University and the seemingly unending storm that has formed above it.
On Friday’s broadcast of “The 700 Club,” Robertson took to the airwaves and announced that Stanford had “been cursed with a storm that will not end end until the entire university, along with San Fran’Sodom-and-Gomorrah’cisco is washed into the sea.” According to Robertson, Stanford has been cursed “because of the loose women, feminist teachings, and intellectual pride.”
Later on in the show the televangelist explained other unwelcome events that have occured on campus. Among them was Freshman Ray Fines’ poor grade in Chemistry 31A. According to Roberts, God was punishing Fines for sleeping in and for riding a bicycle while wearing earphones. This was a revelation for Fines, who expressed his surprise, saying, “I thought it was for obvious reasons like my not studying or taking the tests drunk, but I guess it was the big guy upstairs teaching me a lesson. Thanks, Pat Robertson!”
Robertson has since explained the divine workings behind Lake Lagunita’s empty state, suggesting that Stanford’s loss of the Big Game and That One Kid who fell off his bike near Tressider have angered God.
Fear of divine retribution has increased on campus. Aiming to put an end to the rain, the Stanford Athletics Department has opened talks with Satan for the return of Toby Gerhart’s soul.