Stanford Board of Trustees Divests From Responsibility

March 3, 2015 9:00 am
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Stanford Board of Trustees Divests From Responsibility

After receiving bids from the ASSU to divest from fossil fuels and Israel, Stanford’s Board of Trustees convened to reach a decision on these initiatives. Hours of heated discussion later, the Board grew weary of their commitments to Stanford. Ultimately, they decided to divest from all responsibility to the school, the student body, and their lives.

“We’re actually very grateful that these divestment groups gave us the idea,” said provost John Etchemendy. “We’d never thought of giving up all of our stakes in everything and living life like so many leaves in the wind. Hell, I wasn’t even on the Board of Trustees, but that doesn’t matter anymore does it?”

Instead of removing Stanford’s investments in companies involved in the Palestinian Territories and the fossil fuel industry, the Board of Trustees has, as of last reporting, removed all of their clothes and started dancing to the tune of “Burning Down the House”. Picking up the mantle of responsibility, XOX, Columbae, and Synergy have filed a formal complaint, saying that general naked frolicking is strictly part of their charters and that other school institutions need to check in with them first.

In lieu of response from the Board of Trustees, which had set their public representative on fire, a wide-eyed John Etchemendy was quoted as saying “fuck yeah, acid!”