WASHINGTON, DC—Last night, after a year of almost no productivity, Congress passed House Resolution No. 671. This resolution, titled “Goals for 2010,” contained a list of objectives for Congress to complete over the next year. First on the list is a goal of losing weight. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) explained, “We knew we were taking a risk passing a bill on New Year’s Day—everyone knows how hard it is to actually follow through with Resolutions made on January 1st, but we knew it would be different this time. We are going to follow through with this resolution, even if it kills us. Over the past year, members of Congress have gained an average of 35 pounds (Approx $56)!”
McCain continued, attributing the weight gain to unhealthy dietary habits. “The problem here is that all of our bills are filled to brim with pork, and every member of Congress just eats it up! Even Joe Lieberman, my best friend and favorite Jew, has ingested more Spam this year than the average American does in a decade! This New Year’s Resolution is of critical importance to the American people and we will stop at nothing to see it through.”
In addition to weight loss, Congress has resolved to make amends with many of its estranged friends. “Last year, we did a lot of things we aren’t proud of,” said Claire McCaskill (D-MO). “What I regret most is how we alienated ourselves from our best friends. All this talk about health care has caused us to lose sight of the people who care about us the most—the health insurance lobbyists. When we passed the bill requiring insurance companies to cover patients with pre-existing conditions, the lobbyists felt alone, neglected, and betrayed. I know—they told me so. If we don’t repair this friendship, how are we going to get free lunches on K Street, or a friend to talk to when we’re sad? If we don’t have the lobbyists, we don’t have anything.”
HR 671 contains over 30 goals for the New Year, but despite the best intentions of Congress, there are many who doubt its ability to follow through with the resolution. “I’ve seen it all before,” chaffed Barack Obama. “Just last year, Congress resolved to get off welfare and to win the Nobel Peace Prize. They didn’t even last a week—Congress still relies on the government for its livelihood. And as for the Peace Prize, I think I put them in their place. I wish them luck, though. They might make it a month—if they can keep Lieberman away from my Spam.” HR 671 will take effect immediately. In addition to the goals listed above, the bill also requires Congress to upgrade its computer hardware to support screen sizes of 1600×1200.