STANFORD, CA—As the American economy continues on its downward spiral, Stanford University officials have finally been forced to do the unthinkable: cancel winter quarter 2010.

“This is a real blow to the school. An institution as renowned as Stanford should not have these kind of problems, but I suppose this is truly indicative of the current economic crisis. I assure all students that the closing of the school is only temporary, and we are doing everything we possibly can to get everything up and running,” said President John Hennessy in a statement released earlier this week.

Despite Hennessy’s bleak statements on the school’s financial woes, not all students were upset by the news of the quarter’s cancellation.

“Whatever. Everyone knows winter quarter blows anyways. It just rains all the time, and the classes are hard, not to mention totally sucky,” said Patrick Kyles, a jaded upperclassman.
Said one enthused freshman, “Are you kidding me!?! I get to skip a quarter of the World History of Science IHUM? This is the best news I’ve heard all week! Suck it, Descartes!”

Airlines and travel agencies have reported increased inquiries by students wishing to change reservations or book new vacations entirely.

“Hell, I’m totally staying in Paris for three more months if school isn’t even happening. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to stay another quarter, but now it looks like I don’t really have a choice. Woohoo!” said Kyle Landry, a junior.
Unfortunately, the news hasn’t hit all people with the same jubilation. President Hennessy’s office has been fielding phone calls from angry parents all week.

Said Monica Kyles, mother of Patrick, “I do not want to be cooking and cleaning for my son in months that I was supposed to have off from my job as a full-time mom. I better be getting overtime for this shit.” (Eugenia Maluf) 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…