With Frosh Formal rapidly approaching, many young freshmen are hoping to look their best by resorting to a no-carb or all-juice diet, while also trying to stay healthy amidst the many sicknesses on campus. However, some students have found a silver lining in the 24 hours of noro-virus puking.

“We like to call it the noro-cleanse,” said an infected freshman in Alondra. “When I was lying on the bathroom floor one night, fighting off the last of the noro, I realized how light and detoxed I felt. Well, light-headed, anyway. I immediately ran to tell my friends about it, and now they’re all trying it!”

Noro-cleanse is quickly becoming the newest hot body cleanse for Stanford freshmen, and both Arroyo and FloMo have had to restrict access to their dorms in order to keep out students hoping to “catch the cleanse.” It’s not often you find a one-day cleanse this effective and accessible, and in true Stanford entrepreneurial spirit, students are jumping at the opportunity.

“When I first heard that the norovirus had spread to the dorm right next to me, I was a bit scared. But my fear soon turned to excitement when I heard about the cleanse! It’s the perfect solution to looking hot and feeling great for the biggest event of freshman year,” said Marla Johnson, a resident in Cedro, adding between heaves, “As long as the torrent of vomit and diarrhea ends before Frosh Formal, I’ll be set!”

While PHEs campus-wide are trying to crack down on the spread of this virus, students are still finding ways to circumvent these precautions, and some housing staffs worry that the noro-cleanse has already gone too far. “I assumed it was just a phase,” said one PHE, “but I’m finding an increasing number of healthy students wandering into the quarantined handicapped bathroom. I walked in there the other day to find one girl licking the counters and door handles trying to catch the virus. They are out of hand!”

With Frosh Formal in little under a week, who can say what else desperate freshmen will resort to, but others worry more about long-term repercussions of the movement. “Collectively, us PHEs are praying this fad dies out. We don’t want to have to deal with this again in the spring. Noro-cleanse and rush? Now that’s a recipe for disaster.”

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