By Daniel Francinte

STANFORD, CA–After five consecutive sleep-deprived nights and countless hours of research, the Medical School came to conclusive results and found that junior undergraduate student Alex Fontaine was tired.

    They had four researchers watching him around the clock as he ate, did his homework, dozed off in class, and napped during the middle of the day. The researchers were looking for the five signs of tiredness, mainly bags under the eyes, bad posture, excessive yawning, laying of the head on a desk or table, and outward complaining of tiredness.

    “Yeah, I’m pretty tired,” said Fontaine when asked for comment. “I was probably up ‘til four last night, and with the homework I have,” he paused to yawn, “I’ll probably be up ‘til two or three tonight too.”

    Head researcher on the project Dr. Jodi Partman was ecstatic with the study results. “We noted that social pressures as well as workload were main factors in keeping the subject up late. In one day the subject reported being tired seventeen times to friends, and three other times under his breath. The implications are revolutionary. With this new data, we can confidently reccomend to Mr. Fontaine that he get at least two hours more sleep per night.”

    Fontaine said that he probably knew that he was tired already, but that it was good to hear an expert opinion on the subject. However, he was doubtful whether this would lead to any more hours of sleep.

    Close friends of Fontaine noted that he was pretty much always tired.

    “I have a twelve page chem paper due tomorrow,” said Fontaine, “and I haven’t even started.”

    Dr. Partman said she hopes to study other students, and hypothesizes that around 90% will be tired.

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