True to the predictions of several conservative pundits and bloggers, electing the progressive, thoughtful Barack Obama has taken its toll on the nation’s collective cojones, which have been shrinking considerably since November 4th. Urologist Alan Yanofsky examined the emasculated country in a routine, post-election check-up. “It seems a lack of machismo and aggression have depleted testosterone levels from superpower status. To make things worse, blood tests show elevated levels of estrogen. Even if Hillary was President, it wouldn’t have been this bad.”
Opinion polls conducted throughout the rest of the world confirm that the U.S. no longer tops the list of countries to be feared and respected. China and Russia now claim the top 2 spots, while the U.S. has fallen to #17, leaving #11 Australia as the manliest English-speaking country. “You think we care about bombing America now?” a masked Al-Qaida leader said in a poor-quality video recording. “We have bigger camels to roast. Sure, we might attack the U.S. for practice, or maybe just for shits and giggles on the weekends. But they’re a bunch of nancy-boys.”
R. Timothy Hofstadt, a senior official with the Department of Defense, accuses Obama and his supporters of “neutering” America. “Obama is a total pansy, and our neighbors have taken note. Mexico is talking about taking California back, and Canada has their goddamned Mounties doing maneuvers at the borders with Minnesota and Washington State. What’s Obama gonna do? Meet them without preconditions to talk about his feelings? Dismantle our nation’s military might as a gesture of goodwill?”
Hofstadt’s frustration is emblematic of many conservatives. Indeed, many of America’s military leaders, captains of industry, and Republican politicians are contemplating secession. “We have a duty to maintain our existence as a powerful, freedom-loving nation, and I have summoned a meeting of our truest patriots to determine a course of action,” announced Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA). “And let me assure you that we will not flee to another country like so many spineless expatriates have done.” Many independents fear that the threat of secession could lead to a lopsided Civil War II. “I’d like to see Obama try and stop a secession,” said Hofstadt. “For one thing, we’d have all the weapons, and all the people willing to use them. We’d nuke those multiculturalist, vegan, homosexual, hippie bastards into submission before they could say ‘nonviolence.’ Then we’d install Dick Cheney as President.”
