Shocking news this Monday! The Stanford Thieves Guild, established in 1921, finally had its charter revoked by University administration after its leader Master Thief Klepto Bria allegedly attempted to steal President Marc Tessier-Lavigne’s family jewels. The Thieves Guild had been one of Stanford’s oldest official student organizations, and the revocation of its charter marks the end of an era.
This event has come in the wake of series of high-profile heists—in the past two months alone, the Guild has famously stolen assault charges pressed by a College Republican member against another student, the electrical power from a third of campus, and Persis Drell’s dignity. It seems like the attempted theft of Tessier-Lavigne’s prized stones was the last straw, though, when the administration’s patience with the Guild was finally exceeded by its frustration. Not everyone has been content to let the revocation be, as evidenced by Bria’s protests that “We’re just doing what the club is supposed to do! I mean, it’s right there in the name—we’re thieves! They can’t ban us for doing our jobs—I mean, do they ban the Flipside for printing the truth, or the FoHo for printing half of it?”
Bria insists that this isn’t the end of the Guild, however. “We’re going underground—meaning that we’ll meet somewhere spooky and thematically appropriate, like the basement of a Stern dorm instead of a brightly lit public room in Old Union like we used to. Oh, wait, shit, I shouldn’t be saying this—you’re not allowed to print this part, okay? Or the admin’s just going to find us and shut us down again. Anyways, it looks like we’ve got tough times ahead, but that’s okay—maybe going without University support will make us stronger, since we’re not taking it for granted anymore. Plus, we can just steal money from them if we need more.”