In anticipation of a busy Thanksgiving week, America’s Turkeys have announced plans to unionize under provisions granted by the Wagner Act of 1935. The Turkeys say that they are an indispensable part of the November holiday and as such are in a strong position to collectively bargain for an improved working experience.
In a statement translated from his native Turkish, union spokesturkey Walter Wattle provided a full list of demands of the newly-formed General Organization of Business-minded Birds Looking for Equality, or GOBBLE.
“We need reassurance that we will receive the appropriate amount of basting for our efforts,” squwaked Wattle. “We will not allow you to put us in the oven for hours and suck us dry of the nutritious juices that fortify our collective countenance. And no more will you stuff smaller birds inside of our dead carcasses!” he added, his own wattle wobbling. “Would you fill the bodies of your recently deceased with smaller humans? No! You would not! And although we are a peaceful species, the rivers will run red with cranberry sauce if our demands are not met!”
After a moment of consideration he added, in a slightly more reasonable tone, “We would also really appreciate it if you wouldn’t murder us by the millions each year and then feast on our flesh. Maybe we could work out some kind of compromise for that one.”
If their calls for reform go unheeded, GOBBLE threatens to go on strike just in time for the Thanksgiving rush. When questioned if the union is worried about tofu breaking the picket line and offering itself up for a scab-dinner, Wattle retorted, “We ARE Thanksgiving. Let’s see them try.”