GENEVA, SWITZERLAND – Sensible, conservative turkeys worldwide likely gobbled at the recent avian United Nations report in which 142 turkey scientists made the ridiculous claim that turkeys worldwide are in danger of their apocalyptically-described conspiracy theory of “Thanksgiving.” In this report, the panel of leftist, anti-Business turkey scientists used fear tactics likely in an attempt to stir turkey voters to a liberal mindset ahead of turkey midterm elections. The ludicrous methodology referenced claims that “the observation of human activity over the past 10 months, in conjunction with [our] historical evidence of their activity over the last 250 years, indicates a high likelihood of catastrophic consequences for turkeys everywhere in the latter weeks of November 2018.”
This is simply the latest in a series of fake-news-ridden attempts by leftist turkeys to promote policies that contradict the ways that American turkeys have lived for years. The conspirators have suggested that the turkey-Government should raise taxes and take serious political action in an attempt to prevent the “pumpkin spice-pocalypse.” Clearly, the leftist “turkey scientists” are attempting to grant even stronger powers to the federal turkey-Government, likely in part of a long-term plan to promote turkey-Socialist policy, wherein the turkey-Government takes our hard-earned grain that our parents gave us and gives them to smaller, weaker turkeys.
Many intelligent turkeys have already refuted this conspiracy, and turkey-Alex Jones has even provided evidence that known leftist conspirator turkey-George Soros is likely the financier of the entire report. The high orange turkey himself is not convinced, pointing to reports that show that “Thanksgiving” happens independently of turkeys, assuring all turkeys that they are not involved in this phenomenon.
Any knowledgeable, pro-business turkey has no reason to be afraid of recent weeks’ events in which humans have provided us greater amounts of grain, fattening us up. Questioning such good fortune is not only stupid, it’s downright anti-TurkeyAmerican.