Berkley Student Calvin Juan, or better known as Cal, claims to be receiving quite a bit of attention recently from Stanford students. 

“I just went to the football game on Saturday and within like 5, I don’t know 10 minutes, I had pretty much every borg-slinging Stanford student begging to fuck me. I don’t know what was going on, but low key, it was lit. All my holes were filled by the time kickoff started.”

Cal believes that Stanford students chanting “Fuck Cal” continuously has created a Stanford prison experiment-like mob mentality of all those wanting to stake a claim on him. Through the repeated gregorian-like chants heard across the world, from KSig to Snu to (yes) even 550, the indoctrination within the alumni culminated in “too much” for Cal, and his respective holes, to handle. 

In fact, even the Stanford Tree had a go at him. “Yea, I was supposed to be fucking Oski the Bear but he was being stiff with me and kept trying to flake. Thankfully, I was able to link up with Cal and have a sick ass time. Fuck Cal,” claims the Tree.  Just know, next year, when you hear the wails of “Fuck Cal”, no matter the score on the jumbotron, that Cal is hands-down, absolutely fucked.

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