Op-Ed: Jeff Sessions Found Me Smoking Weed on Wilbur Field And Now I’m In Federal Prison

February 12, 2018 10:44 am
Op-Ed: Jeff Sessions Found Me Smoking Weed on Wilbur Field And Now I’m In Federal Prison
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Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

February 5, 2018 12:00 pm
Sexually Frustrated Moon Finally Gets to Masturbate After Several Nights of Constant Watch

After several evenings of unceasing news cameras and children’s gazes of wonder, the Moon finally took some private time to extravagantly masturbate this past Friday night. Due to its beautiful peak fullness for several nights this past week, the Moon’s privacy had been outright violated by voyeuristic amateur astronomers and […]

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Man Drinking Boba Tea Literally Sucks Balls

9:00 am
Man Drinking Boba Tea Literally Sucks Balls
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Op-ed: Does Anyone Want To Buy Me A Recorder?

January 29, 2018 9:00 am
Op-ed: Does Anyone Want To Buy Me A Recorder?

Hey there! Little Jimmy in the house. I know we haven’t formally met, but I’ve got a quick question for you: do you want to buy me a recorder? Doesn’t have to be fancy, just anything made out of a nice, durable plastic should do the trick. You can find […]

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Op Ed: Sure, The Glass is Half Full, But It’s Half Full of Horse Piss and My Cousin Robb is Making Me Touch It

9:00 am
Op Ed: Sure, The Glass is Half Full, But It’s Half Full of Horse Piss and My Cousin Robb is Making Me Touch It
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Kardinal Kink Enjoying Cuffing Season

9:00 am
Kardinal Kink Enjoying Cuffing Season
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Vegan Pervert Spies on Salad Dressing

January 23, 2018 7:13 pm
Vegan Pervert Spies on Salad Dressing
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An Ode to My Five-Bladed Razor

January 16, 2018 12:00 pm
An Ode to My Five-Bladed Razor

To my beloved five-bladed razor, words cannot describe the longing I feel for you. I have left you behind me, back in the sweet Napa Valley in my haste to pack. You have kept me from looking like a complete hobo through good times and bad, through interviews and finals weeks, and for that […]

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Anonymous Capybara Just Typed “Fuck” Into Google Doc And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It

January 15, 2018 12:00 pm
Anonymous Capybara Just Typed “Fuck” Into Google Doc And There’s Nothing Anyone Can Do About It

Oh, the humanity! When sophomore Prithi Chacko opened her group project Google Doc to discover that the identities of her classmates were hidden by anonymous quirky animals, she made little note of it. “I didn’t think anything would come of it. I have no clue how that feature of Google […]

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Romantic Duck Opens Wine Bottle With Corkscrew Penis

December 4, 2017 12:00 pm
Romantic Duck Opens Wine Bottle With Corkscrew Penis
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