Can you hear the church bells ring and the children jubilantly chant? Well that’s because authoritarian ruler of North Korea Kim Jong-un is MARRIED, baby! It’s speculated that the marriage ceremony took place in 2009, but we just found out right now! This is long overdue, but congratulations on the nuptials, Kim, you sly, sly dog.

Notorious for his secrecy, dictator and supreme HUBBY Kim Jong-un has not revealed much about the marriage. Though we don’t really know what’s going on at all, Kimmy, we wish you and your beautiful bride of eight years, identified to be Ri Sol-ju in 2012 by North Korean state-run media, all the best. We look forward to hearing more good tidings from South Korean intelligence reports tracking the activities of your romantic regime. They speculate that you have three children, so post some pics of the kids if they actually exist!

Hey, let’s scrap this whole nuclear missile threat shebang and just buy the lovely couple that lovely refined uranium that’s on their registry! It’s never too late for some wedding festivities, especially with a love story as inspiring as this one. No matter how many human rights violations you commit and how little you do to alleviate the widespread famine and poverty threatening the country you rule, anyone can find true love. <3  (Rodriguez)

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