You are reviving this email because you have registered for ReligSt 183 — Religious Fundamentalism.
I am excited to be teaching you next quarter, and I want to address the issues of grades well before week one rolls around.
The thing is, your grades in this class have all be pre-determined by God. That’s right, at the beginning of time, the almighty ordained not only when you shall be born and when you shall die, whom you shall love, and whom you shall hate — but also that little letter that’s going to appear on your transcript.
Ahh, I can almost hear you breathing a sigh of relief as you think to yourself “Phew, if everything’s already figured out, then why do any work?” … It’s true that the work you do in my class will have no impact on your grade. But, if you do work, that means you’re probably the type of person that God has chosen for an A, and if you don’t do any work you’re probably the type of person God has chosen to rot for all eternity. Think about it — I’m pretty sure it makes sense.
Regardless, at the end of the quarter I will prostrate my naked body on the floor of Memorial Church and subjugate myself to a 48 hour cycle of fasting and prayer in which He will reveal to me who shall have As, Bs, and who shall be forced to burn in the Eternal Fires of Damnation!
