Another year is coming to a close, and that means it is the perfect time to remind ourselves what even happened this year.
August
Axess opens and you sign up for classes. That was your first mistake. Don’t worry though–with three quarters ahead, you have lots more time to make mistakes. While we feel comfortable talking about most of your mistakes, we won’t talk about that time you went steam tunneling and got arrested by the police.
September
The Freshmen ‘15 gain their Freshman 15. The Flipside purchases its Segway, and you learn to ride it even though you, being extremely clever, refund all activities fee money. Stanford 2.0 hits the ground running and is valued at $27.
October
Nothing newsworthy happens. Don’t believe us? Well, then fine–why don’t you go and review the news yourself? Just kidding–the “Occupy” movement continues to escalate as Stanford students chant “How come I only got a 99%?”
November
You stay up all night to not be able to hear anything at College Game Day, and fail to hook up with Erin Andrews. At least you’re hammered. Herman Cain, national hero and pizza man, tours the country promoting the 9-9-9 deal, which almost convinces you of his presidential qualifications.IBM’s Watson comes to Stanford to show us all what raw computing skill and a future dominated by robots looks like. It looks pretty cool.
December
Stanford withdraws its bid to build a satellite campus in New York City. The reason? They found out that NYC would not allow them to plant one thousand palm trees on the new campus.
January
Stanford heads to the Tostitos Fiesta bowl, but unfortunately comes out with a loss. Andrew Luck proves to us once again that he’s way better than Jordan Williamson. SOPA legislation is all over place threatening to destroy the internet as we know it… but then it doesn’t. Reddit releases a massive sigh of relief.
February
The University administrators announce that they plan to terminate XOX’s lease. They would have organized a structured social media movement and protest, but disagreements on who had kitchen clean got in the way. Compromises are offered, but the drug deals presented are not convincing enough. In the spirit of killing off things, IHUM is also cancelled. We give the month a B+.
March
MemeChu comes and goes over the course of 3 days. NOT SURE IF FUNNY OR JUST FAD. HAHA LOLZ JK LOL HAHA. You read the Hunger Games, and by read, we mean see the movie, and by see the movie, we mean see the trailer. OMG KATNISS OMG.
April
University announces $4.2 million contemplation center, and subsequently, old people with lots of money lost all of their credibility. ASSU elections cause the internet tubes near Stanford to explode. Much of the campus treks down to Coachella music festival to listen to songs on headphones.
May
Popular band that is way past its heyday comes to play in Frost Amphitheater, temporarily making you feel like you are in a different campus in a different decade. Sharing photos with your friends gets valued at $1 billion, and then at $100 billion, and then is declared priceless. It is now officially cool to be on social probation.
June
Many of you graduate and prepare to enter the real world with your job as a consultant. Congratulations on surprising nobody! The rest of you enjoy funemployment.
