Dear readers,

Since I know most of you never make it past the second sentence of anything that you read (and how could you, the weather is so nice outside!), I’ll get the most important point out of the way: Thanks for reading the Flipside. But seriously, we really appreciate it, and if it offended you less than ten times and you enjoyed it for more than ten minutes, then I think we can call it even.

(Reader, as a bonus for making it to sentence number three, I’ll let you in on a little secret: this is why we always include our typos and grammar mistakes at the ends of articles.)

When we started this piece of paper four years ago, we didn’t think it would get any bigger than one page, and luckily it didn’t. However, over the last four years we have also received our fair share of compliments and hate mail to know one thing for certain: people will write anything in an email. That is some free advice, or advice gratis, if you speak English.

I know you are super-busy with your Stanford schedule, and that even this next sentence is causing you to be late to a meeting and therefore creating unneeded stress, but if it is any consolation, we are glad you took some of your time to read the Flipside. If we compare the time you spent reading to your future salary as a highly paid lawyer, then that is some valuable time!

And since you asked, old rich people who donate lots of money and make decisions about what happens here, I’ll give you a few ideas for projects that would really revolutionize Stanford and help it maintain its status as a first-class university.

Idea number 1: Give out free fruit all over campus. There are certain things that would greatly affect the daily lives of students and be extremely noticeable, and one of those things is giving out free fruit to everyone. Who wouldn’t like it? It would be great publicity for prospective freshmen, and we’ve done the calculations–it costs significantly less than a new building.

Idea number 2: Turn the Axe and Palm into a bar–you know, one of those college bars where they let in everyone over 18.

There are so many more ideas, and so few words left. Thanks for reading, and have fun taking your finals.

Barney Schmutz

P.S. If you would like to give us any feedback, suggestions, praise, or other secret messages, there is a 1 question form at We really would like to hear from you!

You May Also Like

Condoleezza Rice Leads Cardinal in Aerial Attack Against UCLA

Stanford named Condoleezza Rice an honorary football captain at the game on…

Disney to Release More Truthful Animation

LOS ANGELES — Disney animation studios’ next project will be a horribly…