- Listen to TiK ToK by Kesha, and allow yourself to cry. Grieve.
- Create a list of things to do without TikTok.
- Practice mewing, because you know it’ll come in handy later on Inauguration Day when the RIzzler becomes president.
- Migrate to Twitter (I’m not calling that shit ‘X’). Realize Twitter is not radical enough for you.
- Download QAnon… Reconnect with the buddies I haven’t seen since January 6th, 2021 (our schedules have been very busy.)
- Pick up a new hobby: BMX, shark-fighting, knife-juggling, or giving fashion advice to teenage girls.
- Get injured. This was to be expected, turns out 20lb Doc Martens can do a number on your back.
- Throw it back on Hillary Clinton.
- Go on vacation! Take a walking tour in a new city. Possibly New York? The Big Apple can inspire Big dreams!
- Flee the crime scene on a city bike. Ride through the New York streets. Ditch the bike at a bus station and enter Central Park. Deposit the backpack in the park with clues. Board a bus heading towards Pennsylvania. Avoid contact with anyone else, and move from city to city. Enter a McDonald’s in Altoona. Order food and sit alone. Turn yourself in. Because the real killer is out of the country by now anyways. Get arrested with a weapon and manifesto. Get taken back to New York City. Thankfully you’ve practiced mewing, so show off your jawline during the perp walk.
