In a bold leap towards inclusivity, Congress has passed the ‘Testudine Suffrage Act’, decreeing that from this day forward, all turtles have the right to vote. Years after the initial “animals-should-be-able-to-vote” movement began, progress has finally been made. Slowly, of course. These are turtles we’re talking about.

However, the outcome has not been as expected. Turtles, as it turns out, have a penchant for radical racism, supporting candidates with questionable policies and even more questionable ethics. Social media has erupted with the hashtag #NotAllTurtles, while opposing camps argue whether the turtles are a product of their aquatic environment or inherently bigoted. “You can’t blame them,” a turtle-whisperer on TikTok claims, “It’s just the way that they’re raised”

In response, top turtle scientists have launched turtle re-education programs, attempting to expose these new voters to a more diverse range of ideologies. Educational videos show turtles from different backgrounds sharing seaweed, swimming through strong currents together, and sitting around the same table at Thanksgiving. Sadly, these attempts at enlightenment have often been met with slow, unblinking stares from most of the existing turtle community, as again, they are pretty racist.

In the latest development, an insider reveals turtles have tetra-chromatic vision, making them significantly able to see significantly more colors than humans, which has manifested in horrible racism. “Democracy,” the insider concludes, “just took a tortoise-paced step back into the prehistoric.”

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