Ron DeSantis (seen here after publishing the next 20,000-word installment of his y/n x Trump AO3 fanfic), has just announced that he has been appointed as the next President of Stanford University, making him, according to last night’s Fizz polls, the least disgraced president of an elite university.

Since dropping out of the U.S. presidential race, DeSantis has sought out ways to covet the precious shiny title of “President” he desired unabashedly, passionately (ferally, some may even say), but also have an easy job. Previous parlays ended in heartbreaking failure. DeSantis first sought out solace in the warm embrace of the Unicorn Preservation Society, hoping to raise awareness to the decreasing fertility rates amongst our favorite glittery beasts. 

“It’s an incredibly important cause to support the symbol of joy and gayness for all”, DeSantis said, “but not gay in THAT way if you know what I mean”. Evidently his ardent passion for beasts with one horn was not received well by UPS. “Dawg, I got no clue what this guy is tripping on”, driver Kevin Mopill told us in the famed Werner Herzog beige uniform, “we just deliver packages in a timely but beat up condition”.

Nonetheless, Ronny D did not have to look far before a gold goose of an offer plunged onto his lap: Stanfords offer comes at a moment of immense bodily transition for the university. DeSantis plans to start his new role as soon as next fall, claiming that—shockingly—there are probably fewer know-it-alls at his new place of employment than there were in politics: “When they told me all I’d have to do is plagiarize some papers and ignore massive geopolitical conflicts to be the president of Stanford, I knew it was the perfect job for my skill set.”

In other news, DeSantis already announced some of the new policy changes that he is bringing to campus in September 2024, including a move to ban several mainstream internet sites in order to promote more Stanford-coded platforms he has called “Don’t Say G.A.Y.” (Google, Amazon, and YouTube). He’s also proposed an official “6-Week Ban” mandating that students who have extra classes on their rosters (even if ones they did not realize they were enrolled in) cannot drop said classes after six weeks into the quarter and must carry their coursework to term. Some students have pointed out the critique that these new policies seem somewhat familiar, however, DeSantis shrugged it off, citing the jargony political philosophy of “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

No one is happier about this news than Interim President Richard Saller: “I can finally retire and move to Florida!”

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