The Stanford Flipside sent our four best reporters to Frosh Formal 2023: The Premiere. They recorded their highs, their lows, their joys and their woes. Two reporters barely made it out alive. Here are their stories.

8:00 PM: Organizers of Frosh Formal are giving out Oscar statues to the first 200 guests.

8:12 PM: People are already using the Oscar statues as dildos

8:28 PM: I am 3.75 shots and .09 of an edible in and oh my god I am feeling it 

8:36 PM: out of chasers. uh oh.

9:26 PM: moaning heard from bathroom

9:33 PM: THE DJ LOVES JAZZ AND FEET

9:41 PM: GOLD WE BE GENTRIFYING UP IN HERE

Editor’s Note: Further research shows that “Cupid Shuffle” was played when this update was provided.

9:41 PM: Am I high or is everyone here fuckable

9:41 PM: THEY LOVE DIVERSITY NORTH KOREAN MUSIC

9:42 PM: Only thing “premiered” here is the class of 2027s rampant alcoholism and minor drug addictions…

9:43 PM: 27 IS SUCH A GOOD PERFECT NUMBER I LOVE IT

9:51 PM: lowk snacks are good but why mix cheddar and blue cheese in one block

10:04 PM: sudden urge to twerk?? can someone please teach me

10:04 PM: woah the girls here are hot

10:13 PM: fuck, I have to pee

10:19 PM: The Oscars are cool as fuck

Editor’s note: Reporters 2, 3, and 4 note that Reporter 1 was inspired by the other freshmen using their Oscars as dildos

10:54 PM: Reporter 1 dipping quesadilla directly into salsa. The RA’s are laughing at him.

Editor’s note: Frosh left Alumni Center and stumbled over to TriDelta house.

11:51 PM: bro ice cream cake at TriDelt is so fucking good. Should I rush???

11:57 PM: Rage cage round 2?? Feeling a little too tipsy for this…. Maybe should sit this one out 

12:04 AM: update: did not sit this one out

12:05 AM: fell on a beanbag… don’t really wanna get up

12:06 AM: where can I find a drug dealer rn bc I’m not high enough 

12:09 AM: TIMOTHEE CHALAMET IS SOO HOT LIKE HE CAN RAIL ME ANY DAY

12:22 AM: Being a girl fucking sucks … the patriarchy or whatever

12:25 AM: SLUG JUG BEST JUG

Editor’s note: Unclear who is where. Editors believe frosh were committing espionage to communicate across Campus Drive.

12:31: frosh formal has devolved into a duolingo competition

12:41 AM: (TriDelta): SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS 

12:41 AM: RAGE CAGE RAGE CAGE RAGE CAGE

12:59 AM: bro my bed is so comfy wtf why don’t I sleep all day???

1:03 AM: THE FROSH ARE SO SLOSHED

1:04 AM: Prom queen revealed— people too drunk to remember who it was

1:09 AM: Why didn’t I meet the love of my life in the 20 minutes I was there?

1:11 AM: @EDITORS DAHA SHROOMS!!!!!!! Pls we wanna try it

1:12 AM: there’s no way we’re getting to SNL tonight. I am so fucking tired… did I accidentally take indica?

1:13 AM: Omg the reporters are so funny and cool haha what if flipside actually published this report

1:13 AM: Drunk driving?? Nah. But D.A.R.E. never said shit about bikes….

1:26 AM: Everyone home safe! 

Editor’s note: These Editors are proud of frosh rahhhhh!

4:48 AM: I just woke up and do not recognize myself in the mirror— guess I’m still high 

5:19 AM:  So many bottles on the desk… this is kinda embarrassing…. What’s the word for post-nut-clarity but for nights when you drink?

Editor’s note: hangxiety.

You May Also Like

Freshmen Underwhelmed by Size of “Big Game”

For many new freshmen like Eva Bassett, the first Big Game marked…

Nothing Better To Do? Ron DeSantis Named Next President of Stanford

Ron DeSantis (seen here after publishing the next 20,000-word installment of his…

Op-Ed: Please Stop Saying “Fuck Cal”, My Ass Hurts

Berkley Student Calvin Juan, or better known as Cal, claims to be…

Brock Purdy Announces He’s Dating Justin Bieber

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Just in time for Super Bowl LVIII, San…