TUCSON, AZ—Authorities report that last week, at approximately 9:30 PM, area man Brad Smith, longtime resident of Tucson, Arizona, was taking a shower when he realized was running out of hot water.

“The victim noticed the water was getting cool, so he kept turning the faucet a little to the left.  After about 15 increments, he had turned the knob as far as it would go. He was stuck,” explained local plumber Greg Holmes.

Like so many before him, Brad Smith tried to suck it up and make it through his shower, but as the water grew colder and colder, he was running out of strength. “I tried to see it through, but the water just got colder and colder.  I had no choice. I buckled. I turned off the water and jumped out of the shower,” Smith said.

Bob Walkup, mayor of Tucson, described how he is acting to prevent future tragedies. “It’s all about preparation and foresight,” explained Walkup. “Over the next few weeks, plumbers from around the city will host info-sessions to teach the people of Tucson what to do if they think they might be running out of hot water.”

Though Bob Walkup hopes to use information and technology to prevent future tragedies, members of the Tucson Neighborhood Reactionary Association (TNRA) have a different prevention strategy. Sherman Yolks, spokesperson for the TNRA, explained, “The problem here is not one of poor water heaters. Water heaters don’t make people cold, people make people cold—they act foolishly and use up all the hot water. If we really want to get rid of cold water, what we need is more cold water. After all, if people don’t have hot water, they won’t lose it unexpectedly.”

Following Yolks’ statement, the sale of cold water generators increased by a factor of fifteen, and while people are no longer surprised to run out of hot water, Tucson residents have never been colder than they are now.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…