While the whiny squirts of Mrs. Pinkerton’s second grade class must have thought they were showing up for basket weaving or some shit, area gym teacher Anthony Muller informed them early Monday that neither he nor they had come to gym class to fuck around. Not. At. All.

“Are you kidding me Melinda?” Coach Muller asked, ripping his whistle from his mouth. “You want to braid Vanessa’s hair? In my temple? In Anthony Muller’s synagogue of sweat and gridiron? DO YOU THINK THIS IS PATTY CAKE CLASS, KID? DO YOU HEAR ME?”

Trouble reportedly arose when Brandon was found hitting his head against a wall, blatantly ignoring Muller’s order that he assume responsibility as captain of the blue team for kickball. “I can’t read,” Brandon commented, staring idly into the distance as he prepared to accept the pushup-related consequences of his actions.

“Kids these days,” Coach Muller lamented. “They wouldn’t know the honor of dodgeball if it came flying at them burning with red rubber fury and hit them square in the face. They think they can just mosey into my territory and dishonor my game. No- no more! I’m a god damned professional, you hear me? Do you hear Anthony Muller when he speaks? Do you?”

Muller was last seen ordering kindergartener Fernando Aguero to actually do a god damned pushed up like he meant it.

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