Okay, I’m pissed. One month ago, I had this summer all figured out: women, white claw, and

the most prestigious NASA internship that they have, where they make me the big astronaut who goes up into space with the fast rocket ships. But thanks to this “corono virus,” there will be no women, no white claw, and I just got word from NASA High Command that there will be no internship.

I don’t think you guys understand what I’m missing out on here. I was handpicked from an applicant pool of millions of qualified astrophysicists to go directly from being a college sophomore studying Science, Technology and Society, to becoming the commanding officer of a spaceship with the fuel capacity and firepower to destroy a small planet.

My missions this summer were going to be legendary. I was going to be the first astronaut to successfully eat a whole wheel of brie cheese in the vacuum of space. They even designed a special helmet for me so that I could open the visor without dying from the complete lack of oxygen in space. And I was going to be on the Alien Task Force where the big green aliens would shoot me with their goo and I would translate what they were saying.

God! Just writing about it is making me sad. This damn virus is keeping me from getting in the driver’s seat of a spaceship and blasting off around the other side of the world to investigate where the sun goes when it’s nighttime. I could have made history! Now I’ll just have to settle for a remote internship with the CIA where they make me the top Spy and infiltrate several foreign governments and crack hundreds of previously indecipherable codes. What a downgrade.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Stanford Admins Exasperated at Having to Send Yet Another Fucking Email About Current Events