“Liar, Liar, Vice Provost on Fire: Susie Brubaker-Cole Caught Lying To Students! Bat-Boy Born to Leeds Couple! And Special Report: Roble Woman Reveals How Arrillaga Chicken Left Her Pregnant… With Welsh Septuplets!”
With these scoops and others, the latest edition of The Fountain Hopper finally cemented in place the newsletter’s status as a trashy British tabloid, earning it a spot alongside such venerable peers as the Daily Mail, The Sun, and The Express. In an exclusive interview with the Flipside earlier this week, FoHo leadership confirmed that the publication will be moving away from increasingly-irrelevant practices like “fact-checking” and “journalistic integrity,” instead focusing on such issues as “Three Easy Ways to Monetize Your Botox Addiction” and “Queen Reveals Which Lockdown Sex Positions Get Her Hotter Than a Fresh-Baked Crumpet.”
“Every organization changes and matures over time, and after some deep thinking, we feel that this is the direction the FoHo should be taking,” confirmed the journal’s editor, who spoke with us over Zoom under the name “Annabella Darlington-Windsor” and wore one of those monocle-mustache-disguise things. “The Daily has the news; the Review has the hot takes; the Flipside has the wit and the humor and the insightful critique and the sexy members and the impeccable reputation. So what’s left for us? Well, of course, it’s asking whether or not YOU know These Six Warning Signs that your dorm staff are IRA-sympathizing gadabouts.”
At press time, Wikipedia had declared that it would no longer accept references to the FoHo as a trustworthy source, while the FoHo had discontinued its email-first publication model and announced plans to exclusively sell print issues in Sainsbury’s check-out aisles.