Freshman Elated to Spend Next Three Years with Friends Who Will Abandon Him Spring Quarter

November 20, 2019 9:46 pm
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Freshman Elated to Spend Next Three Years with Friends Who Will Abandon Him Spring Quarter

After a grueling and lonesome high school experience, Soto resident Justin Kennedy ’23 has been more than pleased with his first quarter at the Farm. More than anything, Kennedy is happy to have found himself a family of close-knit friends that will ultimately crumble to dust before his naïve boyish eyes.

“I am finally home,” remarked a smiling Kennedy, blissfully ignorant of the social disarray he will soon enough face. “I know my Soto friends and I will be close forever and that our ties are too strong to be broken by anything that comes our way.”

Foolishly, trusting in the longevity of his social circle, Kennedy has additionally made the fatal error of mentioning his friends to his parents in their weekly phone calls – a mistake he will someday come to regret when his mother asks the status of his friends, by name, long after they have ceased speaking. Recently, he has opted not to join his friends in attending dirty rush events at Kappa Sigma, joining Common Origins, or auditioning to become a tour guide, having erroneously concluded that “[they] will all still hang out next year if they join,” opting instead to spend his time pursuing his personal interests and entirely forgoing any opportunity for social capital.

In a recent pillow-talk conversation, Kennedy mentioned to his roommate how “crazy” it would be if they were to end up roommates after college, lacking the clairvoyance to know that the same roommate will drunkenly kiss Kennedy’s girlfriend at Dunch and thereby incinerate their friendship like an aging star entering supernova. This is the same girlfriend, in fact, that will end up dumping Kennedy when his poor tier-3 housing draw outcome sequesters him to Crothers for his sophomore year. She will be fine herself, though, and go on to date several of his far wealthier peers.

At press time, Kennedy was spotted building a house of cards in the Stern dining hall. According to our reporters, however, the hopeful freshman was too blind to recognize the parallel between his little game and the future of his social life at Stanford.

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