Following the New York Times editorial board’s recent dual endorsement of candidates Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar for U.S. president, the Stanford Flipside is proud to announce its own endorsement of not only Warren and Klobuchar but also Tulsi Gabbard, Kamala Harris, Margaret Thatcher, Nicole Brown Simpson, Sheryl Sandberg, Eva Braun, and the cute girl on the Sun-Maid Raisins box.

Also receiving this enormous honor are Marie Curie, Provost Persis Drell, Wonder Woman, and every constellation, planet, black hole or other celestial body named after a female astronomer.

“This is a big step forward for America,” the Flipside editorial board wrote in an official statement, as behind them a slowly-scrolling powerpoint showed pictures of Melania Trump, Ronda Rousey, Queen Nefertiti, Marge Simpson, and the absent-minded mom from Home Alone. “The future is female, and by that we mean it will have a higher center of gravity and be frequently bloody.”

The endorsement is a big win for those who received it, with notable bumps in polling data coming to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Mary Magdalene, Indira Gandhi, a limbless but female-presenting CPR doll, and three damp boxes of tampons.

“This is quite the honor!,” chanted Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Princess Di, Rihoncé, all the Disney princesses except Rapunzel, and the entire membership of the Congressional Caucus for Women’s Issues in bossy, shrill unison. “The Flipside endorsement is why I’ll win president.”

In response to the Flipside’s endorsements, the Stanford Review has come out in vehement support of Mitt Romney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Diego, a virile, 80-year-old tortoise whose remarkable sex drive saved his entire species from the brink of extinction.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…