John Bolton Catfished Into Congressional Testimony by Adam Schiff Pretending to be Busty Young Ukrainian

February 2, 2020 4:29 pm
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John Bolton Catfished Into Congressional Testimony by Adam Schiff Pretending to be Busty Young Ukrainian

As a result of growing uncertainty surrounding whether current Challenger rank I in League of Legends and former national security advisor John Bolton would testify in the ongoing impeachment trial of Donald Trump or not, it was a shock to all in the courtroom when Mr. Bolton charged into the courtroom this past Monday in the middle of Congressman Adam Schiff’s (D-CA) opening statement.

After several seconds of spinning around furiously and scanning the crowd in the well of the courtroom as if he could conjure whatever, or whomever, he was looking for, he reportedly lifted his head and dejectedly asked the Honorable Judge Roberts, “There’s no Svetlana here, is there?”

“It was like the scene right out of Wedding Crashers. He charged in huffing and puffing like he’d sprinted there, though more likely he’d just climbed the stairs to the room instead of taking the elevator,” court reporter Joline Francis said. “He struck a stunning resemblance to  a sexually frustrated stick bug.” 

 Chaos ensued, with court reporters flooding the floor, Justice Roberts pounding his gavel on the dias as if he was trying to make the thinnest meat patty in existence, and Bolton squinting at his phone and then at the crowd as he continued the search for the mysterious Svetlana. Eventually, Congressman Schiff set the record straight.

“In light of the recent struggle to secure Mr. Bolton’s testimony for this trial, I took it upon myself to bring Mr. Bolton to the courtroom today to secure his role as a witness in this trial,” Congressman Schiff said. “Using the power of rhetorical seduction bestowed upon me by the gods, I assumed the identity of one single, twenty-two year old Svetlana who is ready for a good time, and lured Mr. Bolton here over the phone application Tinder to secure his place on the witness roll.”

As the public was ushered out of the courtroom to allow the councils to discuss the revelation, a sobbing Mr. Bolton was seen being handed a kerchief and given a gentle shoulder pat by attorney Kenneth Starr.

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