In a press conference held last Saturday, American soccer star Landon Donovan expressed his frustration over his surprising exclusion from Coach Jurgen Klinsmann’s 23-man World Cup roster that will represent the United States in Rio de Janeiro this summer.

“I’m human, and I wanted to go.  I really wanted to go,” Donovan told the assembled reporters, both in reference to the 2014 World Cup and to FloMo Dining.  “I just feel in my heart that I deserve to be there, and that’s the pill that’s hardest to shallow…[well, that and the dry chicken they served us at the Arrillaga place where we ate lunch everyday].”

Klinsmann’s decision to cut Donovan from the Men’s National Team after the club’s training camp at Stanford Stadium came as a shock to the tens of soccer fans across the nation, and also to Donovan himself.

“I firmly believe that not only should I be going, but I feel like I really deserved it, and not from anything I did in the past, but from what I’ve [tolerated eating] in the last week and a half.”

Donovan’s exclusion from the final roster was especially surprising given that the midfielder has the most goals (57) and assists (58) in the history of the US Men’s Soccer, and also was the most effective at siphoning the best fruits out of the fruit salad and leaving only cantaloupe and honeydew for his teammates.

“I think I was at least as good as everybody else in camp,” Donovan concluded.  “I think I was one of the better players, so that’s why it stings a little [kinda like when there are no forks left in the fork basket.  If there are forks left in other baskets], I could live with that.  But that’s not the case here.”

Donovan wrapped up his press conference early so he could get to the FroYo machine before it turned into a drippy mess.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…