Facing Impeachment, Trump Recruits the One Man He Hoped He’d Never Have to Ask for Help: Duke Vengeance, PI

February 2, 2020 4:23 pm
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Facing Impeachment, Trump Recruits the One Man He Hoped He’d Never Have to Ask for Help: Duke Vengeance, PI

As the stresses of his impeachment process slowly build, sources within the White House report that President Donald Trump has finally cracked under the pressure and hired the one man he swore he’d never ask for help again: Duke Vengeance, private investigator.

According to anonymous staffers, Trump sought out the hardboiled PI during a recent trip to Nashville, letting out an exasperated sigh and a paranoid glance towards the city before entering Vengeance’s dimly-lit, smoke-filled office and wordlessly sliding a manila envelope of White House intelligence briefings across the gin-stained desk.

“It was actually pretty sick,” one tipster recalled. “Duke was all like, ‘Never thought I’d see your ugly mug again,’ and then Trump was all like, ‘Long time since ‘Nam — but fuck it, I need your help, you rat bastard.’ And then Duke did this thing where he spun his handgun around his pointer finger for a few minutes, and then he was like, ‘I’ll take the case.’”

Sources indicate that Vengeance has since relocated to the White House General Counsel’s office, redecorating it with sun-bleached Venetian blinds and several dozen ships-in-bottles before setting to work on his latest client’s case.

“Abuse of power? Obstruction of Congress? Soliciting foreign interference in your 2020 presidential re-election bid?,” the grizzled detective reportedly drawled upon first reviewing the charges. Chuckling softly, he added, “They’ve got you pegged for damn near every crime in the book, you sick fuck. But I just might get you out of one more jam yet.”

Sightings have since begun coming in from DC of a strange elderly man strolling around Capitol Hill, holding a styrofoam cup against the side of the Capitol building while Congress is in session and watching C-SPAN at a nearby Au Bon Pain from behind a newspaper with eye-holes cut into it.

“I was taking a walk along the National Mall when this old guy with a fedora and glued-on mustache started following me,” said Terri Sewell (D-AL) of the House Intelligence Committee. “But when I made eye contact with him, he pretended to be feeding pigeons— even though he had no bird seed and there were no birds.”

When asked outright whether he was working the impeachment case, Vengeance spat out his cigar — then also spat out a second and third cigar which had both been fully inside his mouth — before muttering something about “that dame Pelosi” and jogging away.

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