The Office of the University Registrar has kicked up some dust recently concerning its course-scheduling policies, re-opening the Pandora’s Box that is the discussion of 8:30 AM classes. After intense deliberation, the Registrar’s office has decided to issue a “fuck you” to schedule continuity, and just randomize everybody’s schedule.

“We always get complaints that 8:30 schedules don’t line up with student lifestyles. If we just schedule classes randomly across each 24 hour day, the little shits won’t have a lifestyle! Maybe then they’ll finally stop bitching. Jesus Christ on a stick!” declared Associate University Registrar Martin Ormann, his eyes bloodshot from long nights of answering scheduling emails and a ravaging psychological addiction to valium.

“Get this,” Ormann continued, his voice audibly cracking, “a shaman. Like a mail-order medicine man from Polynesia. He sits in the registrar waiting room on a bed of hot coals, smoking weed laced with LSD. All day, he’s scranging that shit. We give him a student ID number and a class, he gives us a time. My kids hate me.”

The Registrar’s office believes that this change will better accommodate the devastated sleeping patterns of the students and their professors; students are already mechanizing for additional protest, as the new randomized class schedule will still contain classes at 8:30.

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