At approximately 12:30am Friday morning, a local Stanford student, whose critical-thinking abilities were impaired due to the ingestion of a substance toxic to the human brain, allegedly ordered a Spicy Italian Flatizza at the Subway store on University Avenue.

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The flatbread pizza product, featured in an astounding quantity of Subway advertisements over the past few weeks, comes in four varieties and is currently sold in a “2 for ” promotion at Subway franchises across the country.

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“Yeah, I think I’ll get the Flatizza,” the student, legally unable to operate a motor vehicle due to the degeneration of his mental faculties, said to the sandwich shop cashier.  The late-night employee dutifully carried out the student’s irresponsible decision.

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According to sources, the student then exchanged hard-earned cash for the pizza-like foodstuff, all while his liver tried to eliminate the mind-altering chemicals that were influencing his decision-making and rationality.

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As of press time, the student was nursing a hangover while drinking Fanta-brand ginger ale in the dining hall.

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Asked to comment, the student reported, “At the time, it just felt so right.

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