At approximately 12:30am Friday morning, a local Stanford student, whose critical-thinking abilities were impaired due to the ingestion of a substance toxic to the human brain, allegedly ordered a Spicy Italian Flatizza at the Subway store on University Avenue.

The flatbread pizza product, featured in an astounding quantity of Subway advertisements over the past few weeks, comes in four varieties and is currently sold in a “2 for $5” promotion at Subway franchises across the country.

“Yeah, I think I’ll get the Flatizza,” the student, legally unable to operate a motor vehicle due to the degeneration of his mental faculties, said to the sandwich shop cashier.  The late-night employee dutifully carried out the student’s irresponsible decision.

According to sources, the student then exchanged hard-earned cash for the pizza-like foodstuff, all while his liver tried to eliminate the mind-altering chemicals that were influencing his decision-making and rationality.

As of press time, the student was nursing a hangover while drinking Fanta-brand ginger ale in the dining hall. Asked to comment, the student reported, “At the time, it just felt so right.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…