Wait, wait, wait, hear me out. Obviously, I’m not saying that stories about the troubled history of race relations in this country are not worth telling, I’m just saying that 12 Years a Slave is boring as shit. Steve McQueen’s direction is so myopic you’d think he’d locked himself in a box for the entirety of the shoot. What, no, I’m not referring to the practice of chaining slaves in the bottom of hulls. Why would I be?  I just hated the movie, OK. Let’s not tar everyone with the racist brush here. Of course I’m allowed to use the word tar. It’s contextually accurate.

Let me get back to the point. I thought this movie was awful, the writing was staid and bland at best and I found the performances of Chitewel Ejiofor and Lupita N’Yongo were devoid of charisma. Michael Fassbender, on the other hand, was superb. Perhaps the only saving grace in a movie that lacked a certain verve. No, not because he’s, you know… because he’s a good actor who really seemed to dominate the other characters when he was on screen. No, not in that sense, in the sense of having a sense of presence. OK, you know what, if you’re just going to assume the worst, I’m not even going to try and defend my opinion.

What I was going to say was that the movie isn’t worth seeing. The story seems chained together and barely functional, the characters are wooden and the plot, quite frankly, seems to be over-dramatic. Oh, come on, I didn’t mean it like that. Maybe you’re the racist for assuming that. Oh, fuck you, man.

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