Wait, wait, wait, hear me out. Obviously, I’m not saying that stories about the troubled history of race relations in this country are not worth telling, I’m just saying that 12 Years a Slave is boring as shit. Steve McQueen’s direction is so myopic you’d think he’d locked himself in a box for the entirety of the shoot. What, no, I’m not referring to the practice of chaining slaves in the bottom of hulls.

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Why would I be?  I just hated the movie, OK. Let’s not tar everyone with the racist brush here. Of course I’m allowed to use the word tar.

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It’s contextually accurate.

Let me get back to the point. I thought this movie was awful, the writing was staid and bland at best and I found the performances of Chitewel Ejiofor and Lupita N’Yongo were devoid of charisma.

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Michael Fassbender, on the other hand, was superb. Perhaps the only saving grace in a movie that lacked a certain verve.

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No, not because he’s, you know… because he’s a good actor who really seemed to dominate the other characters when he was on screen. No, not in that sense, in the sense of having a sense of presence. OK, you know what, if you’re just going to assume the worst, I’m not even going to try and defend my opinion.

What I was going to say was that the movie isn’t worth seeing.

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The story seems chained together and barely functional, the characters are wooden and the plot, quite frankly, seems to be over-dramatic. Oh, come on, I didn’t mean it like that. Maybe you’re the racist for assuming that. Oh, fuck you, man.

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