Researchers were shocked to discover that the average Stanford student scores a -3.4 on the SAT’s recently-introduced adversity scale. “It’s just bonkers,” said one College Board representative. “We didn’t even know that there could be scores below zero.”

Formally known as the Environmental Context Dashboard, the new adversity score system will help admissions officers understand the challenges a student might have faced given their school and neighborhood. “We at Stanford are appalled—nay, flabbergasted—by these findings,” added one undergraduate admissions officer. “It’s clear that we need to, or should probably, make admissions less contingent on being a member of the upper class: we need to branch out to the upper-middle class, and maybe—if and only if they would make a particularly attractive addition to our yearly diversity pamphlet—one or two members of the middle class.”

The test, which measures environmental factors like the number of local households with coded gates and quantity of Patagonia jackets purchased within a given market cycle, has caused a great deal of controversy both inside and outside the Stanford community. “I just don’t get it,” said one member of Kappa Alpha Theta. “What do the dimensions of my backyard swimming pool have to do with how much or little systemic adversity I’ve faced? And it’s not like I would even know—measuring is peasant work.” Other metrics include familiarity with French wine labels, eligibility for free or reduced-price school lunches, and number of affairs Daddy has had with his secretary.

Opinion has been largely divided among students. “Yeah, I might have been born into obscene wealth,” said one sophomore. “But that’s not my fault. I worked really hard to get onto the varsity polo team, and I had to figure out how to sneak my Apple watch into the AP Calc exam just like everybody else.”

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