WASHINGTON, D.C. – A rally held in support of Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney was disrupted yesterday by a diverse group of protesters. The organizer of the protest, a man legally named Dennis McGuff who goes by the title “Lord Pain of the Seven Hells” at his local Satanist congregation, had this to say: “Evangelicals are attacking Romney’s religion because it’s a cult. But I say, it’s not cult enough!”
Surprisingly, McGuff represented only one of the many groups that showed up to protest that day; also present were UFO groups, masons, Followers of Bob, Dungeons and Dragons cults, Fight Club enthusiasts, and a group of friends who stay connected using Google+. “We like that they think God lives on some planet called Kolob,” said Lily M-7 of Aliens Among Us, “And we wish that modern religious texts had more lasers.” John Roth of the Washington D.C. Masonic Lodge added, “They [Romney’s Mormons] got a lot going for them—they don’t allow women in priesthood for one. But I need a president with the moral character to take things all the way. Women shouldn’t even be at the secret church meetings. What? The meetings aren’t even secret!? God-damn heretics…”
A group of Catholics were also present at the protest, but attempts to speak with a representative were unsuccessful. The group was participating in Sunday Mass and the spokesman was preoccupied in his church while reportedly consuming the body and blood of his deity.