Op-Ed: You Should Not Burn Buildings Down

January 23, 2015 12:00 pm
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Op-Ed: You Should Not Burn Buildings Down

You’re probably an upstanding citizen. You care about people, and about rules. Rules are nice, they keep things in order, and they prevent the world from descending into a maddening hell stalked by creatures that barely qualify as human. However, despite your deep appreciation for the rule of law, you’ve probably always been wondering what it would be like to light a building on fire and let it crumble down to the barest cinders.

I’m here to tell you that that’s not an okay thing to do.

See, I know all too well the joy of setting alight a structure’s foundations and watching it fall apart into a mountain of ash. And, the thing is, it’s pretty much tolerable when I do it. But if you start doing it too, then we have a problem. A building here, a building there, no one’s going to notice.

Imagine what would happen if more people started burning things down. There would be fires everywhere! The entire world would be reduced to a smoldering carcass, bereft of life while the skies fill with smoke and the cries of innocents, unable to survive thanks to the thick, sensual layer of ash blocking out the light of the sun. There also wouldn’t be anything left to burn, which would be put a damper on my weekends.

So, with this in mind, I sincerely request that you, dear reader, do not burn any buildings down.

You may complain that it is unfair for me to be able to raze buildings to the ground, and watch their structural supports slowly come apart under the oppressive heat, while you aren’t allowed to. To live in a society, we all need to make sacrifices. For example, I avoid eating meat on Fridays. You should avoid burning down buildings, ever, on pain of death. Fiery, smoky, death.

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