Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel

April 22, 2019 11:55 am
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Theresa May Only One Surprised by EU Release of Kraken into English Channel

In a totally foreseeable move this past Tuesday, the European Union (EU) enacted Military Operation 17C, nicknamed “The Tentacled Menace,” in response to the UK’s inability to come to terms on the withdrawal agreement.

Publicly regarded as the EU’s strongest military weapon, the “Tentacled Menace” is none other than the Kraken, the enormous cephalopod which had previously terrorized European sailors for centuries. Now captured and recommissioned for military use, the monster has been ‘tuned up a bit’, courtesy of a collaborative effort on behalf of EU member states. The upgrades include several sharpened stakes resembling baguettes from the French, a Spanish helmet with a pair of bull horns, and a custom-tailored 1943 Nazi SS-Oberst-Gruppenführer uniform to “give ‘em some bad memories.”

In an ode to the 1889 Paris World’s Fair, a festival was held to celebrate the release of the sea-beast, including retellings of English defeats in war, burning effigies of Theresa May’s head, and a photograph entitled called “the deplorable dental hygiene of the British peoples.” The ultimate release of the beast came at no surprise to anyone, besides, apparently, Prime Minister May who allegedly commented: “Those dirty bastards, unleashing Kraky like that without my say. They’ll rue this day!” before despondently wedging herself into her couch in a fetal position to “think about the future of Britain’s relationship with the EU.”

“Kraky” is now patrolling the English Channel, not yet touching UK ships, but taking many opportunities to hop out of the water and terrify British sailors. The EU Military Commission has publicly stated that this is not an act of war, but rather just an attempt to send a modified version of the age-old message to British politicians: Join or Die.

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