In a surprise announcement Monday morning, Jeff Sessions introduced a new anti-crime bill aimed at stopping “urban youths” from snatching fresh-baked pies off window sills where they’d been set down to cool for a moment.
“For far too long, young urban miscreants have terrorized innocent pie-bakers across this nation,” Sessions explained to the White House Press Corps during a briefing. “Upon spotting the tell-tale squiggly lines that emanate from a pipin’-hot pastry, these remorseless thugs widen their eyes to comically-oversized proportions and let out a loud wolf whistle before licking their lips suggestively and snatching away the forbidden dessert with waggling, white-gloved fingers.”
Now, under Sessions’ new program, police officers will locate potential pie-thefts-in-process by following the loud slide whistle that invariably accompanies such old-timey criminality. Gadabouts captured in the act will be punished by an absurdly elaborate Rube Goldberg-esque chain of improbable causes-and-effects that culminates in execution via Acme-brand falling anvil.
“No more Americans need live in fear of our nation’s worst super-predators,” Sessions proclaimed. “Anthropomorphic wolves, small but clever rodents, unarmed black teenagers from South Side Chicago — these criminals’ reign of terror shall proceed no further.”
In addition to pie thieves, Sessions’ policy addresses a variety of other crimes he’s identified as threatening public safety, including bank robbers who steal large sacks of cash labeled with a dollar sign, sexual predators whose eyes turn into hearts and bug out of their heads when they see a leggy dame, and homeless squatters who wear nothing but a wooden barrel held up with suspender straps.
Sessions’ briefing came to an abrupt halt when he was yanked away from the podium by a long cane after threatening to hit DACA recipients over the head with an enormous mallet he had inexplicably pulled from his back pocket.