In a surprise announcement Monday morning, Jeff Sessions introduced a new anti-crime bill aimed at stopping “urban youths” from snatching fresh-baked pies off window sills where they’d been set down to cool for a moment.

“For far too long, young urban miscreants have terrorized innocent pie-bakers across this nation,” Sessions explained to the White House Press Corps during a briefing. “Upon spotting the tell-tale squiggly lines that emanate from a pipin’-hot pastry, these remorseless thugs widen their eyes to comically-oversized proportions and let out a loud wolf whistle before licking their lips suggestively and snatching away the forbidden dessert with waggling, white-gloved fingers.”

Now, under Sessions’ new program, police officers will locate potential pie-thefts-in-process by following the loud slide whistle that invariably accompanies such old-timey criminality. Gadabouts captured in the act will be punished by an absurdly elaborate Rube Goldberg-esque chain of improbable causes-and-effects that culminates in execution via Acme-brand falling anvil.

“No more Americans need live in fear of our nation’s worst super-predators,” Sessions proclaimed. “Anthropomorphic wolves, small but clever rodents, unarmed black teenagers from South Side Chicago — these criminals’ reign of terror shall proceed no further.”

In addition to pie thieves, Sessions’ policy addresses a variety of other crimes he’s identified as threatening public safety, including bank robbers who steal large sacks of cash labeled with a dollar sign, sexual predators whose eyes turn into hearts and bug out of their heads when they see a leggy dame, and homeless squatters who wear nothing but a wooden barrel held up with suspender straps.

Sessions’ briefing came to an abrupt halt when he was yanked away from the podium by a long cane after threatening to hit DACA recipients over the head with an enormous mallet he had inexplicably pulled from his back pocket.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…