Students in Beginner Sailing Stoked to Learn How to Crew Boats, Exploit Vulnerabilities in College Admissions System

April 9, 2019 7:00 pm
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Students in Beginner Sailing Stoked to Learn How to Crew Boats, Exploit Vulnerabilities in College Admissions System

Saying they were “beyond excited,” students of PE 46: Sailing, Beginning begin this Spring quarter hoping to learn the skills to get out on the water and one day get their spoiled progeny into elite colleges.

Since news of the Stanford sailing admissions scandal broke in Winter Quarter, the course has been taking a lot of heat for its dual-topic teaching model. Some especially controversial elements of the class include learning how to “photoshop a high schooler’s head shot onto the body of an NBA basketball star,” “subtly invite college coaches to join you for a cruise on your private yacht using morse code,” and “creating an offshore Panamanian LLC.”

“It’s always been Stanford’s mission to fully prepare its students for the future” said Raymond “Captain Ray” Palmetto, the Beginner Sailing course instructor. “We here at the sailing school take this mission very seriously. We try to instill in students essential life skills like navigating a well-crafted piece of wood on open water or around  shall we say, certain legal and ethical icebergs.”

“Look, I’m going to be working at a hedge fund this summer, you know, investing the money of, like, foreign autocrats and pension funds, so needless to say I’m on the fast track to donating a building to some place of higher learning right around the time my kid is filling out the common app,” said soon-to-be-sailor, Brian O’Connel, ’19.

“The old building-for-a kid-maneuver,” said Captain Ray with a proud smile creeping onto his face. “A classic.”

Senior Randy Endsworth Jr. is already acting in the spirit of the course. On Thursday, he attended the first session of Beginner Sailing, even though he was still on the wait list. “I know it’s hard to get off the wait list for this course,” he admitted. “However, if the sailing college admissions scandal is any indicator of this class’s attitude towards who gets in off a wait list, I should be all set.”

Randy was last seen sauntering up to Captain Ray on the first day of class, shaking his hand, and deftly slipping a $20 bill into the Captain’s hand.

“Just a little something to help swab the decks,” said Randy with a knowing look.

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