In a press conference last week, Mother Teresa reluctantly stated that her lifetime of humanitarian endeavors would not have been possible without Adderall. Speaking from beyond the grave, the Roman Catholic Sister and beatified saint noted that the vast majority of her work, including the management of hospices, soup kitchens, and clinics received what she referred to as “a pretty generous boost” from the amphetamine based drug, which she referred to throughout the press conference almost exclusively as “my little helper.”
Openly acknowledging that the drug’s reputation as a cognitive enhancer and euphoriant certainly strayed from the tenets of Catholicism, the revered Sister was also quick to cite the benefits of such consumption, which include allowing the user to dress wounds and care for those in need for up to 19 consecutive hours per day. “Let me tell you, this thing is a whole can of whoop-ass,” Teresa stated, noting that in looking back on perhaps the most productive charitable lifetime ever recorded, she couldn’t help but feel a little smug. “I would do it all over again in a 130 BPM heartbeat, without a doubt,” she affirmed.
The somewhat controversial statement was met with mixed sentiments among Catholics, with some even going so far as to say that “they always kind of suspected.” Not everyone is convinced by St. Teresa’s claims, however. St. Francis of Assisi, widely regarded as the patron saint of animals and of the environment, is a well known Ritalin power user, and assured the Catholic community that he “won’t be switching to Adderall any time soon.”