The end of fall quarter is coming, bringing along with it an unhealthy amount of final projects, exams and presentations. For most students, these alone are enough to drive them to mental breakdown, obsessive ingestion of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and late nights freebasing powdered sugar in the kitchenette to stave off the mounds of homework they have to do. For sophomore Kelli Morrison, though, there is another factor adding to her stress: she is just now getting the plague.

“I knew the day was coming, but I just didn’t think it would hit at such an inconvenient time. I’ve always been a late bloomer, but not getting the plague until now is just humiliating,” Morrison said. “Like, you’re telling me I have to juggle my physics final AND lymph nodes the size of chicken eggs? Literally fuck me.”

Extra work isn’t the only thing she has to deal with, either. Once word spread around campus that she was just now succumbing to the cold grip of the ol’ bubonic, her classmates and teachers began making jokes behind her back and laughing about her late diagnosis.

“Wow, I just can’t believe she’s such a noob,” classmate Josh Robinson said. “I mean, everyone knows that the plague is something you get in, like, middle school. I bet she doesn’t even know what it feels like when you have to be quarantined in a room and be fed by someone leaving a tray in a disinfection chamber.”

The added stress of having to deal with her peer’s judgement is taking its toll. She hasn’t been able to leave her room due to a fever of 108 degrees, and her roommate has completely left her to her devices once learning that she had become a complete social vacuum.

  “She most certainly did NOT mention this in her roommate application or roommate contract, so it’s all fair game,” her roommate said. “She’s on her own; I have my reputation to think about. Having the plague now is like tattooing ‘I’m still a child’ on your forehead.”

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