PALO ALTO, CA – In the last forty-eight hours, Albert Shurenberg, a longtime Palo Alto resident and certified Vehicle Clinician at Crazy Al’s Chrysler Confederation, has been “going off” on social media about how he is, in fact the second coming of Jesus Christ. His proof? Mr. Shurberg was born on December 25th, 1965 – that is to say, Christmas day, 1965.
“It’s really quite simple,” Shurenberg says in one of the many 15-second videos that he’s posted on the popular social media platform TikTok in the past two days. “Christmas has always meant something more to me than other people, and I never truly understood why until I realized that it’s because it’s also my birthday. My mom would always get me only one present for both celebrations, and I thought she was just being lazy until I put two and two together and realized that I was the messiah.”
Local Catholic figure Archbishop Pauly Giamankus had this to say in an interview with the Flipside: “This guy isn’t Jesus.”
As of right now, it is unclear whether or not Shurenberg is indeed Jesus Christ. Objectively, he doesn’t really look like Jesus Christ, and his high school girlfriend said in a Facebook post that he “doesn’t fuck like Jesus Christ,” but his birthday argument no doubt carries some hefty weight in this debate. When reached for comment, Mr. Shurenberg’s sister responded that he was “out trying to convince people to crucify him.” (Fierberg).