Vampires Invited Past Threshold of Kappa Sigma in Bid to Increase Diversity

December 10, 2018 7:00 pm
Vampires Invited Past Threshold of Kappa Sigma in Bid to Increase Diversity

Amid widespread criticism of Stanford’s Greek scene as “a place for white people to do white things,” members of Kappa Sigma have taken on a last-ditch effort to introduce some diversity to the frat with an open invitation for any interested vampires to enter their house.

“People always complain about how homogenous we are, and after discussing why that might be, we realized we weren’t being very inviting to new people” explained KSig president Rocky Jackson. “Literally, we weren’t being inviting to them — vampires can only enter a residence if you give them explicit permission, and we just never did.”

Since the decision, Jackson and the rest of the brotherhood have been hard at work taking down mirrors, removing cloves of garlic, and re-desecrating holy water in an effort to make the frat more open to any undead newcomers. Meanwhile, Vaden has offered to help organize recurring blood drives with the frat’s Kitchen Manager.

Residents have expressed support for the new measures. “There’s gonna be this new guy, Edward, who’s moving in next quarter — very hot,” noted junior Chadwick van Murgle while purging the house of rosaries and inverting all available crucifixes. “Ed is the sort of guy that a teenage romance could milk for a few books. I can’t wait to write some fanfic about him!”

As the brothers prepare for their new residents’ arrival, they hope it will put to rest any rumors that the organization isn’t inviting to students of all different types.

“It might seem like all of us still have white skin,” Jackson remarked. “But actually, if you put our new pledges in direct sunlight, their flesh immediately catches on fire. That’s gotta count for something, right?”