Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This

December 3, 2018 7:00 pm
Journalists Perplexed By Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Assertion That Everything She Says Is False, Even This

A recent press conference ended in mayhem after White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted to a gathered crowd of journalists that everything she said was false, even this.

“I speak no truths, yet even then // Mine riddles trick the mind again,” a smirking Huckabee Sanders explained to representatives from CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and more. Her fingers templed and eyebrows cocked, she continued, “Yet even this claim of truths untold // Contains within a lie so bold.”

The statement, given in response to a question about President Trump’s stance on Yemen, left all in the room but Huckabee Sanders deeply, clinically perplexed.

“She told us that everything she said was a lie — fair enough,” mumbled a visibly shaken Hallie Jackson, chief White House correspondent for NBC News, as she sat in an ambulance beneath a thin wool blanket. “But then it occurred to me: if everything is a lie, then even the statement about everything being a lie is, itself, a lie.” Jackson broke into sobs at that point, prompting an attendant EMT to note that she — and the rest of the White House Press Corps’ — had finally been driven mad upon realizing that, if the statement was a lie and thus not everything was a lie, the statement was therefore not a lie and was, in fact, true — by necessity making itself a lie again.

Univision’s Fernando Pizzaro reported that, upon entering the press room, he had been prompted to answer “these riddles three,” but could not say a word before Huckabee Sanders threw a cloud of powder into the air and raced out of sight.  He expressed his sympathy for Jackson and other deeply-affected journalists but stated that, while bewildering, Huckabee Sander’s claim that she “lives in the shadows but speaks in the light // For I am she whose words are not quite” was not the strangest thing to happen in the Trump administration that week.

At press time, President Trump had responded with a tweet demanding that Democrats explain to him how it’s possible for something to get wetter and wetter the more it dries.