In what is certainly a disappointing revelation for fans of this year’s high-ranking Stanford football team, it has been discovered that star quarterback Andrew Luck does not have enough loyalty points to attend big game for free.
“It’s fucking ridiculous,” stated a furious Luck at a press conference earlier this afternoon, “I was too busy playing in all of the other games to swipe my card.”
As a result of Luck’s ineligibility to attend Big Game, the football team has been burdened with the difficult task of finding the quarterback’s replacement. It was initially rumored that Coach Jim Harbaugh was going to put his wife, who he has previously stated is as perfect as Luck, behind center. However, this rumor was quickly dispelled by the Cardinal coach.
“I’m going to put Owen Marecic in as quarterback,” he revealed, “he already kind of does everything anyway. Cal won’t know how to react when the same guy is playing both fullback and quarterback simultaneously. Then by the time he gets into position as a linebacker they’ll just be too stunned to put up a fight.”
Alternatively, Luck could just pay $65 to attend the game and this whole issue would be resolved.