As part of Stanford’s ongoing long-range planning initiative, University President Marc Tessier-Lavigne and Provost Persis Drell announced Monday morning an ambitious new vision for Stanford that will see “classes” and “schoolwork” gradually phased out and replaced with a multi-stage onboarding program for future Google employees.
“Stanford’s current model of education is generally centered on things like lectures, seminars, problem sets, essays, et cetera,” the two wrote in a press release. “But although these didactic methods have their benefits, it’s our belief that we can better serve student needs by replacing everything with a corporate training program that covers topics like how to join Google’s internal Slack channel, how to log payroll hours, and payment plans for the employee gym.”
This reimagining of the Stanford education will impact every part of the undergrad experience. Current graduation requirements like PWR and the Thinking Matters are set to be replaced by courses on Google’s terms of employment and nuanced war crime policy, respectively, while the foreign language requirement will now explore how to appropriately make small talk with Sergey Brin and/or Larry Page if you ever happen to step into an elevator with them.
All current undergrad majors will also be replaced with Google’s tiered “Human Value Hierarchy,” under which students will pursue degrees in coding, corporate administration, human resources and gentrification. Coding majors—the highest caste—will also choose an “academic focus,” options for which include Google Search, Google Play, Google Translate, Google Drones, Google Cyberhornets, Google Fleshflayer and Untitled Google Project [South America Liquidation Mk. IV — Blood Reckoning].
“I’m sure some people will be pissed that this change means that Stanford won’t offer opportunities in the arts, humanities, social sciences, soft sciences or non-profitable hard sciences,” remarked freshman Rico Clase. “But they just don’t understand that education isn’t about learning anymore—it’s about getting ready for your humanity to be torn into tiny little pieces by the corporate world.”