“My schemes are at their zenith,” cackled sophomore Lucian Snert early Monday morning when he awoke to see an email asking him to be financial officer for his a cappella group next year. “All comes together, like a puppet master yanking strings, and my plot arises like the Leviathan from the deep. Indeed, thusly, I shall be ascendent.”

The email, sent by the outgoing president of the Treble Cleft Chins a cappella club, consisted solely of the phrase “can u be FO next yr thx” and included no punctuation. According to Snert, it is the culmination of two years’ worth of elaborate connivance. To execute his master plan, the sophomore needed to seize the club’s financial officer position, which he described as “the strings of the purse, and as such, the locus of all power.”

“Finally, all my backstabbing and mind games have engendered that for which I lust: the FO position of this student group,” muttered Snert through a voice changer during his in-person interview with a Flipside reporter. “The king hath risen to his rightful seat of influence, mine by blood and birthright, and soon none in Treble Cleft Chins shall dare to stand in my way. Truly, I am become conqueror of men!”

Snert’s multi-year plan primarily depended on forcing former FO Lenny Klung to take a year off school and go back to his home in Uzbekistan to help his family manage their dairy farm, which had fallen on hard times after Snert artificially devalued the soʻm — Uzbekistan’s state currency — by flooding the market with counterfeit bills he’d printed at Green Library using a stolen student ID card. Then Snert murdered Klung’s self-appointed successor with a gun. With no one else interested in running the group’s $4,000 budget, Snert’s brilliant conspiracy finally came to fruition.

After signing off on the single CardinalSync e-form required to officially become the 2018-2019 FO for the eight-member organization, Snert let out a delighted “Huzzah!” and immediately updated his LinkedIn.

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