Amidst calls from around campus to equalize payment of campus Peer Health Educators (PHE) relative to their Resident Assistant (RA) competitors, Stanford Administration has finally responded with a solution satisfactory to all parties involved: PHEs will be compensated for the approximately $9,000 difference in pay—$3,075 per year compared to RAs’ $11,822—in Monopoly Money©.

Flipside reporters interviewed Marc Tessier-Lavigne during the wild sex rumpus of a celebration that followed the announcement of this settlement. He described how “[the administration] had considered various solutions, from paying $9,000 in pennies, to paying the same amount in dining dollars, to reducing the pay of RAs to $3,074, to just ‘ignoring those losers who somehow think that STIs aren’t totally cool [Marc uses air quotes and nods toward Provost Drell to signal that it was her who originally suggested the last option], but we finally settled on using good ol’ Monopoly Money©. I mean, who doesn’t go for that scrumptious colorful shit? It’s like reliving childhood memories of alienating your friends and being groomed for capitalism at the same time!”

At press time, all formerly dissatisfied PHEs were more than content with the new arrangement, including one Maura Plorgistan, PHE of Larkin East, who wrote a triumphant post on Facebook describing her “absolute [delight] and [satisfaction] with the administration, may they [luxuriate] in [heaven]! Being a PHE is not some joke, and I’m [glad that] Stanford [is no longer] treating mental health like some box to be checked!” Negotiations concluded, we can all look forward to a brighter and more productive future at Stanford that grants its PHEs the resources necessary for the most basic college expenses, like buying a hotel on Park Place or unmortgaging Reading Railroad.

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