Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

November 12, 2018 7:00 pm
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Otero Treasurer Executed for Big Game Treason on Meyer Green

The grass on Meyer Green was stained a dark and brilliant red last Wednesday when Viltautė Findlay, now-former Otero Treasurer, was executed, with a crowd of cheering students looking on. Treason at Stanford is defined as “levying War against it, or adhering to its Enemies, giving them Aid and Comfort”, and Findlay’s death was performed in accordance with this after she was found guilty of aiding the University of California, Berkeley, the only entity with which Stanford is formally at war with, with the annual “Big Game” football match.

While the exact motives for Findlay’s betrayal are still unclear, the facts of the case are clear: she was caught transmitting funds meant for Otero’s classic “Ball Pit Fun Time” or “Caviar Eats Yum Yum” events to Berkeley’s football team so that they might buy various weapons — firearms, explosives, poisons, unflattering pictures — with which to harm Stanford’s team. Upon further investigation, Findlay was also found to be housing a “Trojan Cal Horse” of highly trained assassins: that is, a literal wooden horse in her room with three hired killers awkwardly stuffed into it, apparently waiting for orders to fall upon the Stanford team with butter knives and rubber band guns.

Such actions are not only a rather drastic violation of the Fundamental Standard, the thought of which all Administration-fearing students abhor, but also clear grounds for execution. President Marc Tessier-Lavigne himself presided over the affair, giving a rousing speech on loyalty and the importance of vanquishing the Eternal Enemy without resorting to trickery before kneeling Findlay down and severing her head from her shoulders with a single swing of his famed twenty-foot axe.

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