Vaden Offering Free Lobotomies as Stanford Enters Flu Season

October 22, 2018 7:00 pm
Vaden Offering Free Lobotomies as Stanford Enters Flu Season

It’s about that time of year again: flu season! The time when students, while shotgunning NyQuil like it’s Natty Light, desperately curse their past selves for having taken 15 shots every weekend and played beer pong with cups that all of Stern Hall drank from. And while the common cold is what inflicts many students, it’s the influenza that they can’t ignore. After learning that the flu has already killed one unvaccinated child in Florida, students are now rushing to Vaden Health Center in hopes of staving off the cold grip of death for at least one more week.

However, in a bizarre switch, Vaden has phased out the typical treatment of a single vaccine shot and replaced it with a slightly older method: the lobotomy.

“Lobotomies are a much more cost effective way of making sure kids don’t get sick this season,” Vaden Health official Marjorie Franklin said. “Instead of monkeying around with those fancy needles and mini glass bottles, we just go in with this ol’ guy and get ‘er done,” she said, waving around a blood-encrusted ice pick.

Reports have shown that the switch from injections to quick assembly-line lobotomies has shaved off a good 45 seconds per each patient interaction. Additionally, students have had a generally positive response, welcoming the change.

“I heard these things render you literally brain dead for at least a week,” junior Chris Carlson said. “So with midterms coming up, it’s a godsend.”

While students are now being gradually admitted into the pop-up tent on Wilbur Field where the procedures are taking place, none have been released yet. But despite that ominous news, more are lining up each day, eagerly awaiting their lobotomies and exclaiming how grateful they are to not have to go through the scary, outdated and dangerous vaccination process of years prior.