Media outlets derided Donald Trump after he referred to adult actress Stormy Daniels as “Horseface” on Twitter. President Trump has clarified the confusion, assuring the public that he was in fact referencing a different ex-lover from the late nineties. “There was this Clydesdale – gorgeous, with great tits, even better than my daughter’s – that I was thinking about. Or maybe it was the mustang that I’m like 1/5 sure was legal. It’s so hard to keep track!”

Mr. Trump confessed that since his youth, there have been a number of barnyard creatures with whom he has been sexually involved. “It started with the pygmy horse at my father’s country house,” he explained, “and after that, there was no stopping this pleasure machine.” The leader of the free world paused in a moment of somber reflection: “Of course, my sister’s pony was never quite the same. Especially after the incident with the cattle prod.”

In fact, the president’s attraction to domestic stallions comes from a long tradition of horrifying bestiality. “I often look to great leaders of the past for guidance,” the president said. “Joseph, Adolf, Attila, – I knew them all personally, and I had very close relationships with all of them. Very close. I even take inspiration from women, like Catherine the Great,” Trump said, referencing the revered empress’s tenuous relationship with sexy steeds. He went on to describe in excruciating detail how her poor stable boy “must’ve seen some shit.”

The president also made a point to note that “of all the horses [he’s] fucked, Stormy is by far the ugliest and most not nice horse of them all. She should be turned into glue.” Ms. Daniels, according to Mr. Trump, is old news anyway. “I’ve moved on to greener pastures,” he continued. “Today, I’m riding this slick Shetland that I imported from Slovenia.”

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